Navigating Friendships with Different Parenting Styles

When Love Meets Side-Eye: Friends & Different Parenting Beliefs

There’s a special kind of whiplash that happens when you realize you and a close friend (you know … that person that knew you before kids) are suddenly on very different pages about parenting.

You’re both holding babies (or toddlers … or teens), both exhausted, both doing your best … and yet every conversation somehow ends with a subtle cringe, a tight smile, or a silent internal monologue that sounds like, “Yikes. I would never do it that way.”

Navigating a friendship when you have different parenting styles can be tricky. Especially when that friendship predates motherhood. You didn’t sign up for a values negotiation when you met for happy hour in your twenties. But here you are, negotiating screen time, discipline philosophies, and what “gentle” actually means.

So what do you do when love is there, but alignment feels … shaky? When your trying so hard to navigate this new milestone of friends with different parenting styles …

Start with Curiosity About Their Parenting Style, Not Conclusions

Before deciding whether a friendship is “doable” or doomed, I often encourage parents to slow way down and ask a few grounding questions of themselves and of the relationship.

Have you actually sat down with your friend and explored what their parenting values are and what informs them?

Not what you assume their values are. Not the story you’ve created in your head based on one comment or one playground moment. But their real, lived experiences. Their history. Their fears. Their hopes for their child.

Sometimes what looks like a massive values clash on the surface is actually two people standing on the same root, just taking very different paths to get there.

For example, you might both deeply value your child’s emotional wellness but one of you prioritizes structure and predictability, while the other leans toward flexibility and responsiveness. Same goal. Different route.

The question becomes: are your values truly misaligned, or are they just dressed differently?

Respect Is the Non-Negotiable

Another important check-in: are you both open to hearing each other’s perspectives from a place of respect and curiosity?

You don’t need to agree on everything to stay connected. But you do need to feel safe enough to be yourself without constantly editing, defending, or shrinking.

Is there a way to stay engaged in the relationship while still honoring your differences?

Can you put boundaries in place that don’t leave you feeling like you’re betraying your values just to keep the peace?

And then comes the harder question … the one many of us try to avoid: Are the differences too great to separate the parenting choices from the person?

Your Body Knows Before Your Brain Does

When parents ask me how to know whether something is “okay enough” or “not okay,” I often bring it back to the body.

Does the relationship leave you feeling like your values and your boundaries are seen, honored, and respected?

If the answer is no, and you find yourself trying to convince yourself that it “shouldn’t matter,” pay attention to what your body is doing.

That stomach turning.
That chest tightening.
That subtle sense of dread before you see their name pop up on your phone.

That’s not you being dramatic. That’s your nervous system saying, “Something isn’t right here.”

And it deserves your attention.

Why Parenting Conversations Get So Charged

Parenting is an incredibly vulnerable space to be in. Most of us don’t get our kids with a manual. And if you didn’t have a solid model growing up, you’re often parenting in the dark hoping that love, effort, and a little Google will be enough.

I genuinely don’t believe most parents enter parenthood trying to “ruin their children.” We’re all trying to do the best we can with what we know, what we’ve lived, and what we’ve survived.

That’s why feedback, especially unsolicited feedback, can light our defenses up fast.

Even if you’re coming from a caring place, jumping straight into what you think they’re doing wrong or could do better will almost always backfire. Not because you’re wrong, but because defensiveness blocks connection.

If You Do Want to Speak Up, Try This Instead

If something truly feels important enough to name, here’s a gentler (and far more effective) way to approach it:

1. Check in on their capacity.
   Ask yourself (or them): is this a moment when they’re resourced enough to have this conversation?

2. Lead with curiosity, not persuasion.
   The goal isn’t to convince them you’re right. It’s to understand them deeply.

3. Ask about their beliefs.
   What matters most to them? Why is that so important?

4. Listen. Really listen.
   Not just to respond, but to understand the meaning behind their words.

5. Reflect back what you’re hearing.
   This helps ensure you’re actually on the same page.

6. Ask for consent before sharing.
   “Would you be open to hearing some thoughts that came up for me?”

7. Speak from “I think” and “I feel.”
   Stay far away from criticism, blame, or contempt because they shut doors fast.

8. Let love lead.
   If love isn’t guiding the conversation, it’s probably not the right moment.

When Love Isn’t Enough (And That’s Okay)

Sometimes, even after doing everything “right” - coming from curiosity, respect, and care - you’re met with dismissal, defensiveness, or disrespect.

If you still feel dissonance …
If co-existing respectfully feels impossible …
If your boundaries aren’t honored no matter how clearly you name them …

It may be time to consider a painful truth: you might have outgrown this relationship.

And that doesn’t mean anyone failed.
It doesn’t mean either of you are bad parents.
It simply means that who you are becoming no longer fits comfortably in the same space.

Letting go, or loosening your grip, can be an act of self-respect, not rejection.

You’re allowed to choose relationships that feel aligned, steady, and safe especially in a season of life as tender as parenting.

And if nothing else, remind yourself of this:

You don’t have to parent the same way to love each other.
But you do have to feel respected.

That part is non-negotiable.

And don’t worry … if you need support in implementing this, an individual intensive can be a good fit in helping you find the confidence to handle this without sacrificing your support system and settling for isolation.

By

Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist